There is an art to getting your screenplays rejected right away. Do the following if you’d like to see your months and perhaps years worth of efforts go to the trash bin within 15 seconds or less.
1) Write a “feature-length” screenplay that is 30 pages long.
2) Write a “feature-length” screenplay that is 300 pages long.
3) Use a great day-glo orange cover to get noticed.
4) Paste photos generously to illustrate your scenes. Your smiling photo with your favorite pet next to you and typing away on your laptop would really enhance the aesthetic value of the front cover.
5) Provide frequent detailed camera and directorial instruction like “WIDE-ANGLE SHOT, the actors should imagine they are at a FUNERAL,” etc.
6) Use crazy font on the cover and inside the script in order to grab the attention of the studio Reader. Never use Courier.
7) Include sidebar notes for the Reader like “Dear Reader, please pay attention to the the plot reversal in this scene!”
8) Use character names that all start with the same letter and are very similar to one another like Jane, Joe, Jim, Jake, Jimmy, June, Jess, Jessie, Jesse, Jo, Jon, and Jil.
9) Make sure nothing is happening within the first 5 pages. For example, you can describe the gorgeous scenery as your protagonist takes a train ride from New York to Boston.
10) Do not use the universally-accepted paragraph style formatting for screenplays. Be original. Make all text RIGHT adjusted.
11) There are only very few themes under the sun and it’s smart to imitate success. Take CASABLANCA. Change the names to Bob and Shamita. Change the city to Austin, Texas, And bingo! You’ve got yourself a 100% unacceptable script.
12) “Dramatic Structure” is for the pigeons. Create a Protagonist with no desire for anything in the world. After all, isn’t he a Buddhist Monk?
